Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
