we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
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I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.