I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
