Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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