My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
