update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
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You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
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And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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