my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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