never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
