I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
