Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
