If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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