FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
