my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
