Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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