is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
