I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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