Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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