please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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