It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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