when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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