i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
