then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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