In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You're like the curious george of whores
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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