I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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