Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
