He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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