If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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