i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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