I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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