You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
