i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
