so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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