He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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