Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Still dying that you shit outside
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
