im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
