Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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