It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't turn off my feet"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
