i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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