The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize