I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
