I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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