I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
