cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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