Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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