I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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