Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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