so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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