boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
