I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
