I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
