Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
