I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
