Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
