Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
