I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
