hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
