I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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