Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
