I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
