I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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